When Santa Claus causes a conflict

By Veronika Válová

Parents all over the world experience issues related to the upbringing of children born into the family. Both parents have equal rights to decide about the well-being of their child, including education, healthcare, and religion. Each parent has a different background, family traditions and it might be difficult for a couple to find a common ground. [1]One of the issues, which is highly debatable, is related to wintertime and Christmas holidays. Does Santa Claus exist? Shall we keep the magic for children and tell stories about the man living in the North Pole with Elves coming every year and bringing gifts to well-behaved ones? Or shall we say that parents wrap up all the gifts and place them under the Christmas tree and save our children from disappointment? And how is the big guy in red driving reindeer sleigh related to ADR?

The story starts with an American couple with African roots and their childhood memories about Christmas. A woman grew up in a traditional two parent home in a small town in New York. From a young age her parents told her and her brother stories about Santa Claus who brings gifts on Christmas Eve. Every year she wrote a letter to Santa Claus and left cookies and milk for him. One night her older brother decided to tell her the truth and showed her presents their parents hid in the basement. She was very upset with her brother for showing her all the toys and telling her that Santa does not exist, and all presents are bought by parents. She did not understand why her parents and teachers lied about Santa Claus.[2]

A man was living only with his mother in a large Ohio city. He had a large extended family and spent a lot of time at his grandparent’s house within the safe community. Family traditions were different in this household. He as a little boy opened presents with his mother and later went to other family members. They did not tell stories about Santa Claus or write letters and simply said which present is from who and shared the joy of being together for Christmas. Parents did not want their children to speak to strangers as in certain neighbourhoods such people were associated with police and other law enforcement. Therefore, it did not make sense for them to tell children that a big strange white man breaks into the house during the night.[3]

When the couple got married, they decided to celebrate Christmas as the husband’s family, telling children the truth about Santa Claus. They told stories to the children about Santa and treated him as any other fairy tale character just associated with Christmas. One of their children was very curious hearing stories about Santa at school and wondering how he gets into the house without a fireplace and other issues. He shared at school with children that there is no Santa Claus, and he will not bring them gifts either, that all gifts are wrapped by parents. This situation caused huge chaos at school among the children who were crying, and the situation had to be discussed with parents as well. It was very difficult for the teacher to balance the conflict between a child telling the truth and at the same time not intervening in the child's upbringing of all others who believed in Santa.[4]

Looking into intercultural narrative, we can see that each parent had different background and family traditions based on experience and culture. In the man’s situation Santa was not an important character and did not fit into their community life. In the case of the woman, there was big disappointment and pain from childhood when she found out that Santa Claus was not real. Therefore, she did not want her children to experience the same. Those experiences influenced the couple's decision regarding their own children and Christmas traditions. However, when it comes to conflict at school it covers additional people and their position. Child wanted to tell the other the truth and did not want to hurt anyone, on the other hand the teacher had to deal with this situation to include both sides. There are additional factors, such as personal experiences from all sides, childhood of the mother, father, teacher who might have gone through the same situation of disappointment as a young child.[5]

All this has influence on decision making and such cultural differences, experiences and beliefs must be considered in ADR. Mediators should take these cultural differences to understand the background of decision making of each party that takes part in the alternative dispute resolution process. Mediators might not have such in-depth information however it is the key, which helps to understand the position of the parties and find the right solution.

What about you, would you tell the truth or keep the magic?

[1] Stephen K. Erickson, 'ADR and Family Law' (1991) 12 Hamline J Pub L & Pol'y 5

[2] When the truth about Santa Claus causes conflict, Mediate (website, march 2019), < https://mediate.com/articles/hampton-when-truth-santa-claus.cfm> accessed 22 december 2021

[3] ibid

[4] ibid

[5] ibid